When I began building a model for divorcing well therapy here in Grand Junction, I had no clue what to do. I just knew there was a missing link between the end of couple's therapy and the aftermath of divorce. I still believe that a peaceful divorce is possible; however, there are a few things I things I want every couple to know before they try divorcing well therapy.
Divorcing well therapy is family therapy: Whenever I am working with a client and developing goals, I was trained to ask the question, "who is the customer?" meaning, whose will are we trying to serve in therapy? When two people are going through a divorce, they are going to disagree. It is not my job to make one or the other person happy, or even the "couple." It is my job to center goals around what is best for the family. Like all goals in therapy, they are co-developed by the parties involved. One partner may have different goals from the other, the children may have different goals, and the therapist shouldn't really have goals except upholding ethics and safety. Because of my developmental background, I have some insight to what all humans need at different phases of life. When taking this into account, we discuss as a therapeutic team (parents and kids) what everyone believes they want and need. Still, my ethics are aligned by asking the more specific question, "what is this family saying is the best for them?" By being aligned with the family, even when meeting individually or with different groups within the family, the same question is asked despite whatever each individual may want. This is helpful when moving to discussing financials and the physical logistics of setting up two households. Perhaps absolute peace here isn't possible, but the goal certainly is not to take any one person's side.
Do not underestimate your grief: For some, the peace does not come until after the divorce. Get a support system outside of your newly ending partnership ASAP. Why? Because there will be tears, there will be anger, and their will be regrets. I have seen people reach the brink of divorce, and change their minds - so I don't want to say that once you have decided to get a divorce, there's no going back - however, I do know that grief, guilt, and shame are destructive during this time. The grief of divorce is in some ways worse than losing a loved one to death. For many people, the person they love that they are losing, is still alive. They have to navigate super challenging feelings around questioning if they are doing the right thing and if they should try to convince the other person not to go. Possibly even more painful, are feelings that you were unwanted that can generate a major lack of self-esteem. These feelings make so much sense. So many good people give the best years of their life to a person who in the end, did not love them. It hurts! You need a support system out side of divorcing well therapy (including an individual therapist) so that you don't end up in tears in front of your ex who no longer has romantic feelings for you. Meanwhile, guilt is often felt by the party who is emotionally finished with the relationship. They can see the pain they are causing the other party, and yet they often have justification for wanting to end the relationship. In either case, I see these emotions impacting decision making. The hurt party wants to find ways to retaliate through the divorce. While the guilt riddled party wants to give the other party everything they want to make amends. A tango between two people who are really scared of getting taken advantage of begins, and no one trusts anyone. Fortunately, when coupled with therapy, most people navigate these understandable urges very well. Again, remembering that what is best for the whole family is the goal - not to use the divorce to further do damage.
What is your time and peace worth?: I find many couples reaching the end of a relationship when couple's therapy is ineffective. The death of a relationship is agonizing to witness. It's like realizing you are in a pit of quicksand, and the only way out is to sink down into it and hope you come out on the other side. I don't mean to be a downer, but we give our lives to our relationships, and when they end it isn't just the other person we are losing - we are also losing an entire context by which we define ourselves. The relationship dies, and so does this version of us. So where is the hope on the other side? Relationships sure do have their benefits, but they also have their mental and emotional energy costs. If you are used to making every decision with another person, divorce and separation open up the possibility to do things the way you want without needing someone else's approval. Where you live, how you use your time, how you spend or save your money, etc - all of these things suddenly become your choice to make. Suddenly all of the things you've been arguing about with your ex partner, are now yours to choose. So, when divorces are long and drawn out, either by messy court battles or meticulous carful thinking, just know that you are prolonging the time of ambiguity. Divorce is a state of ambiguity because we don't know how much money we will have, where we will live, or really what our lives will look like afterwards. You can't make any plans, you can't settle in, and you can't really heal while you are still in the throws of talking to the person who hurt you. It is scary to venture into the unknown, so we prolong the pain of staying together - hoping for a perfect time to rip off the bandaid. There is no perfect time. It will always hurt, and it will always come with setbacks. I'm not saying get your divorce as quickly as possible, but I am saying there isn't going to be a perfect way to do it. You can't prevent every hardship or pain - but you can begin to repair whatever pain once you are through to the other side.
Parenting: Divorcing and separating well is much easier when there are no children involved. While I realize some of my clients do not have children, aren't married, or even share assets, figuring out what will be best for your children in this process is paramount. We still live in a society that embraces the nuclear family model. Whether we like it our not, children are spending more time with their mothers than their fathers. It's no one's fault. We don't raise little boys to be parents. We don't put baby dolls in their hands. They don't practice diapering and feeding or even nurturing another human as play. So, please do not be hard on yourself if you happen to be a father and you feel like everyone thinks of you as a less adequate parent than your female counterpart (if you have one). Regardless of the roles you held in your household, both parents are important characters in their children's lives. Not only will they need to spend time with both of you (assuming safety is not an issue), but each parent will have to learn various aspects of the role their former partner played in their child's life. The way you tuck your kids in at night matters. Providing them with safety and security, matters. The attention and the affection they receive from you matters. Think of yourself as a child and what you would have wanted in this situation. Be the parent you always wanted (even if the parents you had were pretty great). Read books, watch videos, learn as much as you can about how to be there for you kids - especially since this is a major event in their lives too.
Financials: this is possibly the most challenging part of divorcing well, as I cannot provide financial or legal advice. First of all, your situation is so unique to you, I would not presume, even if I were a financial or legal expert to tell you what is best for you in these areas. However, here is what I do know - a divorce is always a financial setback for both parties. Do not expect to walk away from a divorce with as much or more than you had before. Expect things like temporarily renting, temporary debt, new jobs, setbacks in retirement, etc. While I can't tell you if you should get a lawyer or not - what I will tell you is that if you get a lawyer, you force your ex to get one as well. Lawyers have to make money, by winning you money - same goes for your ex's lawyer. Unless you are doing a simple filing where you both agree, divorce is often time consuming and expensive. I often wonder when people choose to get lawyers over financial disagreements, on average how many tens of thousands they spend on legal fees versus what it would have cost them to just give their ex what they wanted. The sooner your finances are separate, the sooner you can begin to repair them. However, if children and custody are an issue, getting legal support may be inevitable.
If you are considering divorcing well therapy, it is best if you and your partner have already decided to divorce for certain. It is very difficult to help if you are unsure. Take your time. Once you are both ready, I am prepared to help you lay out next steps. I will meet with you and your children to assess how everyone in the family is coping with the divorce. I will review developmental suggestions for parenting. I will help you connect with our local county courts to move the process forward.
This article was written by Dazholi "DD" Love, MFTC. If you are seeking counseling in the Grand Junction, Western Slope and Mesa County areas, you may contact DD by clicking this link here
DD Love, MFTC
640 Grand Ave,
Grand Junction, CO 81507
(970) 852-0687
Available Monday - Wednesday from 9am-7pm, Fridays from 9am-12pm (in-person and online)
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