Why is it so hard to get along with everyone? Even though we can understand how people become who they are, we can have empathy for them, their behavior still affects us. And when we are affected, we react. Without a developed self awareness, we can spend a good majority of our lives moving through experiences simply reacting to everything around us. Developing self awareness is challenging, and no one is perfect at it. Learning about differentiation can help.
In systemic therapy there are two ways to look at differentiation. In non-therapeutic language, differentiation is the process and the ability to tell the difference between two things. In therapeutic terms differentiation can mean knowing the difference between your self (your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs) and others. Differentiation can also mean knowing that you have an emotion and still being able to make a reasonable decision without reacting to that emotion.
The first definition, is primarily about your relationship with others. To help illustrate this idea, let's start with what differentiation is not. The Undifferentiated Mass Is often used to describe when two or more people in a relationship (could be a couple, a friendship, or an entire family) essentially have no division between them. They move, think, and feel all as one. Many of us are very sensitive to our parents' emotions when we are little. We learn how to behave around their moods. Pretty soon, whatever a mother or father is feeling becomes the child's feeling. Our happiness is intertwined and collective. There is a lack of independence and celebration of individuality. With couples, they might become so accustomed to doing everything together that eventually there personalities mold together. Enmeshment is another word used to describe this. These behaviors are often misunderstood as closeness. Isn't it a good thing that we know everything about each other and enjoy being together? In some ways, yes. It is good to be close and enjoy your loved ones. However, if that person disappeared in some way, do you know who you would be without them? Do you have.a personality and identity independent of other people?
Don't panic if you are thinking about a relationship in your life that feels like it might be enmeshed or an undifferentiated mass. Bringing awareness is the first step in change. Now you see it, it has already begun to change. Ask yourself, are there small ways in which you want to differentiate or be different from this other person? Are there hobbies, interests, ideas, beliefs that are calling to you to put energy toward? Even the smallest of actions (reading new books, taking up a hobby, spending time apart, etc) can begin the process of being two separate people instead of one personality in two bodies. If this feels scary, or if you worry that it will damage your relationship I understand! It is scary to go from believing your closeness was good to seeing that it can damage you. Talk to the other person about it. See in what ways they feel comfortable becoming their own person and being happy for you to do the same. A quick warning, some personalities hate this idea. For some parents their entire identity is being a parent, and when their children want distance, the parent loses themself. You can become differentiated even if the other party cannot. Expect there to be resistance. Know that we are not our relationships. A relationship is the choice of two separate people to be around each other because they like each other. But we forget. And we start to believe that we need people or that we are nothing without the people we love and care about. It is uncomfortable to shift from feeling needed to feeling wanted. It is hard to want a person who is always there and who is no different from you. Many marriages and long-term relationships die on this notion. Things get boring. We lose ourselves. We feel trapped, but don't know why.
Once the differentiation process begins between you and the other parties, you should be able to have separate feelings. You can be sad, and the other party, while having empathy for you, does not also feel sad. You can have a good day even when they are having a bad one. You can see when you have thoughts that are different from theirs and feel ok about it. When we are undifferentiated we might feel like we constantly have to come to compromises so that we can share the same thoughts. It might sound like a good thing, but if your whole life is lived compromise, you might never be getting what you want. Are there places and spaces where you can just decide for yourself without having impact on someone else? If it is a choice that primarily impacts you, can you do what is best for you even if it isn't what someone else wants for you? This form of differentiation is truly about being ok with being yourself, and being ok with others being themselves and loving them anyway if there are differences. It's being able to say "I'm so happy that you are happy with your chocolate ice cream, even though I like vanilla." So if you find yourself a person who has been having a lot of vanilla and pretending to like it to make someone else happy, this is your sign to confess that you like chocolate and eat less vanilla.
The second form of differentiation is a sort of internal differentiation. I want you to imagine the last time you got really mad. What did you do? I usually stay quiet, try to hide my anger, and then take it somewhere else, and then vent my frustrations to a neutral third party. This isn't necessarily a bad approach, but it also often solves nothing. In the face of conflict, it is difficult to produce a shared understanding if we are walking away all the time. Many people go from realizing they disagree to yelling matches quickly. These are all forms of emotional responses. It is very difficult to interrupt emotion. Whether you are a person who tends to explode in the moment, or take your big feelings else where, here is how you can reduce big feelings without disregarding them.
Think of a time when someone really upset you. How would you name how you felt? If you've never seen a feelings wheel, this might help you to get specific about how you really felt. Many of us feel anger first, when the emotion behind anger is often hurt. Someone did something that signaled to us that they didn't care about our feelings, and for whatever reason - we go straight to anger. Now that you have identified the feeling, see if you can recall how your body felt.
For me, when I'm hurt and it shifts to anger, my chest and arms have a sort of hot tension. My heart races. My head might go fuzzy or feel like there are alarms going off. I get disoriented pretty quickly. Think about your body and how it signals to you that something is not ok. Our bodies are designed well when it comes to our survival instincts. They often sense danger before our brains can process what is happening. We don't have language in the moment that we are triggered by someone else's actions. When our bodies light up to emotions, we often respond to that instead of our thoughts. If you can get really good at noticing when your body feels off, you can start naming it. "For some reason, what you just said, made me feel really uncomfortable. My heart is racing right now. I think I need a moment." This is not done with the intention to manipulate the other person into feeling bad for us. It is intended to slow us down long enough to think about what is going on inside us, before we respond to them. Taking that pause to describe what is going on with our bodies. Acknowledge it, maybe take a breath. This gives us enough time to get language back online. Now, we can get curious about the emotion we are feeling. "I think I'm feeling scared. My heart usually pounds when I am scared. I do want to listen to you. Can you help me by by trying to speak more calmly?" This is also where being differentiated from the other person will help. They can be upset without you needing to respond to it. People get upset. They are allowed to get upset. That doesn't make you immediately responsible or required to change anything at all. At the same time, we can feel upset without yelling, using offensive language, or posturing in ways that makes others feel unsafe if we can learn to acknowledge and regulate the emotion before responding to it.
Getting familiar with how your body responds to emotion is challenging, but you can do it! Even now, as you consider how a situation in the past made you feel, you are becoming familiar with what your body will do when you feel a certain way. The next time you feel that way, even if you miss it, you will recognize later, "Oh! when we were talking, my heart started pounding and I missed it! Instead of saying that I felt scared, I just blew up." This acknowledgment begins to get more and more familiar. As it does, the space of time between the trigger and that acknowledgement gets shorter and shorter, until you find yourself being able to connect with your body's response before you react to it. You can regulate that response, and get your decision making abilities back online. This form of differentiation is learning how to not emotionally react to everything that makes you emotional. The better you get at this, the better your conflicts and disagreements will go.
Differentiation and self awareness go hand-in-hand. Being in touch with your inner world of emotions, thoughts, and reactions will allow you to be mindful of what you do in the face of conflict and make decisions about what you want to do instead. Seeing that you are not your mom, or your partner, and you don't have to share their thoughts and feelings to remain close will allow you to cultivate a richer personal experience while holding appreciation for theirs.
This article was written by Dazholi "DD" Love, MFTC. If you are seeking counseling in the Grand Junction, Western Slope and Mesa County areas, you may contact DD by clicking this link here.
DD Love, MFTC
640 Grand Ave,
Grand Junction, CO 81507
(970) 852-0687
Available Monday - Wednesday from 9am-7pm, Fridays from 9am-12pm (in-person and online)
*Offers LGBTQ+ affirming relational therapy, youth counseling, and divorcing and separating well counseling.
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