Internal Family Systems, or IFS and more commonly identified with parts work is a therapy technique that can be quite transformative. However, it is also a model that therapists tend to hold the cards. While clients may know generally how it works, for it to be most effective you have to be able to trust your therapist to guide you. Parts work is simple in theory, but complicated in that it asks us to see things about ourselves we didn’t really know were there.
When cultivating self-awareness, unfortunately there are always going to be blind-spots. Don’t worry, it’s normal. We all have them. But this is why the therapist often holds all the cards in IFS or parts work. Therapists are trained to look for behaviors and traits that are dysfunctional, and be curious about them. As we make observations, we form understandings that there are things clients have yet to see in themselves. With IFS, they are trying to help you identify “parts” of you that developed over time to help you cope with your woundedness. These coping parts of you likely served a much needed purpose at some point, but over time they can get in the way and ultimately block the healing that needs to happen. Much like when we get hurt, and something in us says “toughen up.” Then when someone asks if we’re ok, we quickly respond, “I’m fine” while there could be searing pain somewhere that we are hiding. We don’t want to hide the pain. We want to make it safe to look at, to treat, and hopefully heal.
You may come to therapy with a problem that you are struggling to solve. Perhaps you’ve recently had a bad interaction with someone else and you are unsure if you were in the wrong or if they were. As you puzzle out this problem you will notice sort of “two sides” of you that are kind of deliberating. Your therapist might say to you, “ok, so I hear you saying that there is a part of you that really wanted to get back at her and lash out, but then there is this other part of you that is just really hurt and doesn’t understand what happened. Is that right?” If you’ve ever done parts work, you know this is when you start to talk with one of those parts. But it can be challenging to connect with a part as if it is something other than just plain old you.
To really understand the value of parts work, I like clients to develop a full bodied character for each of their parts as they come up. To do this, you can imagine that your life is a bit like a town. In that town is all of the people that you know. It is the external representation of you. When you are active in the town, everyone is observing you, has opinions about you, but you also impact the town. Hopefully for most of us, the day-to-day of interacting with family, friends and co-workers is fairly close to our authentic self and not too many things go wrong. Still, most of us will experience periodic upset; some of us more than others. This upset is caused by those parts I mentioned before. These parts are those that participate in behaviors that either hurt others, or ruin things for us. Sure, when you make a mistake or hurt someone’s feelings, it is really you who has done that damage. But parts work is about understanding how we can be differently motivated. On one hand we might do one action to make people like us more, and on another we might do something unkind to get back at someone who was unkind to us. So even though it is indeed you making these choices, you will interrupt undesired behaviors better if you understand the motivations of these different parts.
By creating characters, we can understand where these motivations come from. I like to think of my parts as monsters so they can be obviously fictional and the sky can be the limit of the traits I give them. Perhaps this won’t resonate for you. Maybe yours will be more like Greek gods living on Mount Olympus. You should adapt this exercise to best make sense to you. But for this monsters version I will share an example so you can get an idea of how it might work for you. I have a part that I have named Janice. Janice is a scaly alligator that walks on two legs disguised as a human. She has a high ponytail wig, red lipstick and long red nails. She constantly chews bubble gum while dangling a tiny handbag. Janice is a little trouble maker! She likes to go into town and stir all the pots. Gossip is her favorite pastime. She is no liar, but she definitely likes to dig up all the dirt on people and make sure that the whole town knows about it. Janice doesn’t have much compassion for the destruction she does, and it gets me in a lot of trouble. I really don’t like cleaning up after Janice. I feel mostly mad at her, but this doesn’t make Janice stop her shenanigans, nor does it fix what she broke.
See Janice doesn’t go into the town and make a mess because she is evil or bad. Janice goes into the town and digs up all that dirt because she knows when I am feeling bad about myself. Anyone who wants to make me look bad, is instantly her enemy. She goes into major defense mode. She wants to make them look bad right back! Unfortunately, this never solves the problem. So what do we do about Janice?
Above your town is a cave where all of your parts (or monsters if you like) live. They only come into town when they sense that something is dangerous for you. They highjack your opportunity to make choices for yourself, and think through how you want to respond to both your past and present pain. They want to protect you from that pain so that you never have to feel it. But this is maladaptive. To grow into the best versions of ourselves, we need to be connected with our thoughts, actions, and feelings enough to bring them to the forefront in times of challenge. Instead of taking our hurt and holding on to it, hiding it, and letting it fester, we can actually in the moment use those thoughts, feelings, and actions to make different choices. We can say when we are feeling unsafe or hurt. We can speak up for ourselves and set boundaries, making decisions about what we need to do for ourselves when we’ve tried to work with someone who does not respect us. But first, we have to get to know the parts of ourselves that are interrupting our ability to make those decisions These protectors are impulsive and reactive. They do not hesitate to control our safety for us, even if we are not asking them to.
When my monsters have gotten out into the town, I have to go and collect them. I bring them back to the cave. This is work I do on my own. In real life situations, these are moments I make time to be alone so that I can hear myself more clearly. Sometimes in our woundedness, we want someone else to hold us and tell us that we aren’t bad, but it is far more effective to have compassion for ourselves and these parts. So, I will bring Janice back to the cave. Once there, she and I dance around the bonfire that is always roaring, where all of the other parts have been hanging out and dancing too. I say, “Oh Janice, you are so funny! I know you really have my back! Thank you for caring so much about me. But, you don’t have to go into the town and ruin things for others so that I can be ok. I am ok. Thank you for being my friend. Next time you are worried about me, let’s talk about it. I’ll take your concerns into consideration and handle it myself.” She and I join the dance party around the bonfire, celebrating all of the other monsters and their quirky personalities. I know them well. I get them. I love them. I am their caretaker. Not the other way around. When I show them I can take care of myself, they feel less of a need to go into town to “help.”
The monster cave party can be a lot of fun. As you shamelessly create these characters, predicting all the trouble they would cause if they weren’t restrained, you can begin to see how it is just a part. It isn’t you or what you would actually do, but you understand what motivates these parts, what satisfies them, and why they do what they do. Go big with the images and characteristics of these monsters. Let them take up some space and feel seen!
Unfortunately, it isn’t just monsters in the cave on the hill above the town - far removed from all the people. There are also tiny little vulnerable creatures. Versions of us that cower and hide. In IFS these are called exiles. These are our most wounded parts. Some of our monsters are just as mean, if not meaner to these little creatures than the townspeople would be. Some of the monsters are embarrassed by the weakness of these creatures. They go into town just to show these little fellas how it’s done! They are irritated that the little creatures would let anyone mess with us.
When these fragile little things get out of the cave, they are often seeking safety. To connect with someone who will take them in and keep them safe forever. In their vulnerability, they are often mistreated again and again - reopening the woundedness. Sadly, we have to take these little guys back to the cave to deal with them too. We need to be the ones to talk to our vulnerable, wounded parts and tell them what they need to hear. We need to be our own caretakers and not go seeking it from others. We haven’t kept the small creature in the cave because we are ashamed of it, but because these little creatures do not know the difference between loving kindness and abusive manipulation. These wounded parts are easily deceived. The cave is their safe place. We help to nourish them and grow them up by giving them all the love and kindness they deserved when they were originally wounded. We reprogram the virus in the code that caused them to believe things about themselves that were never true.
As they grow up and learn, they will be able to go out and not get hurt by everything, nor will they need to seek validation from others to survive. We help heal this part, and grow it up. It grows from a vulnerable little cub into a muscular, fast, fury thing with claws and teeth. It can protect itself if need be. It is majestic and wise. It has self respect and self love, so it does not seek to harm others, but it understands how to hold a boundary when necessary.
Be aware that the creatures can change. They remember the woundedness and they can return to it whenever they encounter situations that feel similar to their original wounds. They can be wounded again, to no fault of their own. And suddenly, they shape-shift right back to a cub. Thus, the cave party never really ends. The fire always stays lit. We have to return to it over and over. There will be times when all the monsters, creatures, and you are on the same page. Where you can all see and celebrate each other. You are safe to interact with the town with ease, and then something can change. That’s ok. Expect it. You have learned the process of gathering the creatures and the monsters and bringing them back to the cave, their safe place, and showing them all the compassion they need. Acknowledging their virtues and strengths. Appreciating the way in which they are all there to serve you. As you commit to listening to them and directing them, they will commit to being less destructive in your life.
This article was written by Dazholi "DD" Love, MFTC. If you are seeking counseling in the Grand Junction, Western Slope and Mesa County areas, you may contact DD by clicking this link here.
DD Love, MFTC
640 Grand Ave,
Grand Junction, CO 81507
(970) 852-0687
Available Monday - Wednesday from 9am-7pm, Fridays from 9am-12pm (in-person and online)
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