When people decide to share a life together, relationship dynamics are not always obvious in the beginning. The practice of marriage and family therapy is less than a century old, however it did not take long for trends and data to emerge around relational dynamics. Turns out there are a lot of common patterns in relationships that not many of us are aware of. Knowing about these dynamics can facilitate powerful change in relationships, and yet they are not well known to the public. Relationship styles is one such dynamic. Understanding your own relationship style, can help you become more aware of problem areas that are not prone to change if unaddressed.
The three relationship styles are complementary, symmetrical, and parallel. For this post, I'll primarily be focusing on complementary relationships because it is the one I see most often in couple's therapy. However, knowing about the others may help you learn more about your relationship stye. Symmetrical relationships are those made up of two similar people. If you've ever met a couple with two Alpha Type personalities, you may have witnessed how big their fights can get! Conflict gets bigger and bigger when it is within each person's personality to get bigger in the face of conflict. No one softens. Or the opposite can occur, two passive people in a relationship resolve little when it is within each person's personality to withdraw in the face of conflict. In symmetrical relationships, things can either go flat real quickly or escalate quickly. There is either competition within the relationship, a battle of wills, or there is a complete and total lack of effort from both parties.
Parallel relationships tend to be the preferred dynamic where neither person needs to get bigger or smaller in every conflict. They can adapt and be either or. They are the opposite of co-dependent relationships. They are interdependent. While each person maintains a fair amount of independence and self sufficiency, they are able to choose to share resources, support, and connection. They understand the value of connection, but can stand on their own for the most part. There is balance between maintenance of the self and dedication to the relationship.
Complementary relationships are often characterized by the old adage that opposites attract. This might look like two puzzle pieces that click together. Where one person has a weakness, the other has a strength. Perfect fit, right? We complete each other! The problem is, the more that we lean into a strength overtime it can become a burden. Likewise, the more that we accept that we have a weakness, the less prone we are to learn and grow so the more atrophied we become. Continuing to use conflict as the example, in complementary relationships if one person gets bigger in a fight and the other person gets smaller. I'm sure you can imagine how this dynamic, at least in conflict, could become an abusive dynamic. However, when I see couple's with complementarity, it isn't usually as extreme as abuse.
Complementarity is very common in couples work, especially in male/female relationships, especially if we adopt roles from nuclear families. These roles act as silent permission to check out from feeling responsible to support or deal with any burden currently on our partner's plate. We suddenly feel like we can't get along anymore because living into these roles causes us to live in different worlds. It hurts our relationship because we no longer understand the pains of our partner because, "it's not our job." For too long women have assumed the responsibility of checking on the feelings of the whole family, including her partner, but no one checks on her feelings. Or men have been designated as the experts in finance and income generation, but no one else is very mindful about how that money is spent. These are obvious generalizations, but they demonstrate how things can get out of balance really quickly. No matter the task or role assumed in a house hold, there is a tendency for one person to become proficient in that task and the other person to become inept. This is painfully frustrating when one or the other needs help, and the other person is so behind the learning curve, their "help" is ineffective.
When complementarity exists unknowingly in a relationship, it grows. If one person in a relationship is the planner and the other is more spontaneous, the planner will not get help preparing for family vacations and the spontaneous person will continue to go along with "the plan" and benefit from the planner's hard work. If the planner can't turn over "planning" to the other person because they don't trust them to do a good job, they will never break free of that role. It will always be their job, and the other will always be terrible at it.
The truth is correcting complementarity is uncomfortable! Many individuals in relationships are looking to unburden themselves from tasks or disrupt patterns, but this also means letting go of a certain amount of control. We often look at control as a bad thing relationally, but it also makes a lot of sense. When we trust our needs to another person, and they let us down, it hurts. Letting go of control means tolerating a certain amount of imperfection. We have to let the other party get a few things wrong. If you're on the other side, remember that trust is delicate. If someone is putting their trust in you to show up for them, don't miss that cue! You could do irreversible damage to your relationship. It is difficult to forget when someone lets you down.
In the spirit of working together, and not wanting big problems to continue to grow - I have seen many couples accept the challenge of learning and growing together. I have seen couple's perspectives shift from being stuck and limited, to limitless. There is an understanding when we work through uncomfortable changes together, that we can do anything as long our relationship is strong. The key to changing from a complementary relationship to a parallel relationship is your willingness to adapt for the wellbeing of the relationship. The key to effective adaptation is teamwork. The team doesn't win if they are running different plays and working against each other. It's about seeing the bigger picture and being willing to do whatever it takes to achieve that goal together. It's about being willing to challenge your own certainty, to find a better way to work together.
This article was written by Dazholi "DD" Love, MFTC. If you are seeking counseling in the Grand Junction, Western Slope and Mesa County areas, you may contact DD by clicking this link here.
DD Love, MFTC
640 Grand Ave,
Grand Junction, CO 81507
(970) 852-0687
Available Monday - Wednesday from 9am-7pm, Fridays from 9am-12pm (in-person and online)
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